


The Wrong Holtz

by EctoHoltzmann, ForxGood



Category: Ghostbusters (2016)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Basically for geniuses these two are actually idiots, F/F, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-01
Updated: 2017-01-01
Packaged: 2018-09-14 00:42:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,791
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9149083
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EctoHoltzmann/pseuds/EctoHoltzmann, https://archiveofourown.org/users/ForxGood/pseuds/ForxGood
Summary: Even the worst stalemates sometimes break...Or: An explosive argument forces both Erin and Jillian to take a long, hard look at their choices in life.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Guess where this fic came from. Fucking guess. But in all seriousness, this would not have existed without ectoholtzmann, who is the closest thing to an actual human version of Jillian Holtzmann you'll ever encounter and who is probably one of my favourite people in this world. It was her brilliant mind that prompted this, and her brilliant soul that granted the permission to write this. More of our shenanigans will follow to be moved over here as soon as I find the time to write them all out.
> 
> This is also partially inspired by Jennie, who created the Daniel Holtzmann OC on Tumblr. And before you all start hating on the character; he is LEGIT the sort of guy I DEMAND Erin ends up with should she not end up with Holtz or Abby because holy sHIT does he treat Erin well. Erin in this fic doesn't deserve him tbh he's one fucking stand up guy.

Erin and Holtzmann were fighting.

Now, it wasn’t uncommon for Erin and Holtzmann to be arguing. They did it all the time, often resembling an old married couple when they did. But it was rare for them to be actually fighting, to be hurling around insults purposely intended to hurt the other.

As a result, Abby and Patty had fled the firehouse a long time ago, leaving the remaining two Ghostbusters to their spat upstairs.

“Why do you even care, Erin?” Holtzmann snapped, glaring at the physicist. “It’s not like this blowing up in my face is gonna affect anyone but me. Why are you suddenly so invested in my well-being?”

"It's because I fucking love you, you ass!" Erin yelled back, barely even realizing what she’d said as Holtzmann’s eyes narrowed at her.

The engineer’s reaction hadn’t exactly been what she would have expected from her confession, anyway.

“Oh yeah?” Holtzmann exclaimed, her eyes blazing. “Golly gee, I can really feel the love when you’re  _fucking my brother_.”

That had Erin’s blood boiling, the physicist marching over to Holtzmann with rage blazing in her eyes.

“Oh no, you do  _not_  get to pull that crap on me.” She shot back. “At least I know he isn’t out on a nightly basis, fucking whatever random girl he can get his hands on! At least I know he  _wants_  me!”

She had crossed a line, she knew that. She had probably crossed a line 5 minutes ago, but she was too angry to care right now, even as she saw Holtz’s face fall at her words.

“If you think that about me…” Her voice was quiet, betraying more about her feelings than she’d have liked to let on. “Then you don’t know me…”

The engineer paused and then stood up, walking around her work table until she was face to face with Erin. “If you did know me… You would know that I fell for you the moment to walked into the Higgins lab.”

Holtz’s confession had Erin gaping, effectively shut up by the blonde in front of her. She had been more than ready to argue with Holtzmann, to fight the blonde on her relationship with Daniel.

 Was it perfect? No.

 Was Erin settling?  _God_  yes.

But unlike Holtzmann, who could get any girl she wanted with her youthful enthusiasm and crazy hot looks, Erin wasn’t used to people paying attention to her. She wasn’t flirted with, she wasn’t asked on dates, and was generally mostly ignored. The few men in her life that had paid attention to her only wanted her because she was younger than them, and usually the only other woman in the department. She dated them because it was expected of her, and broke up with them because she couldn’t keep up the act anymore.

She had had crushes, of course, but more often than not the relationships were born out of her own need to fulfill the expectations others had of her. Jillian Holtzmann had been the first person to make her want to throw all that out the window, to make her want to love someone because  _she_  wanted to, not because it was expected of her not to end up alone. The first person to make her want to love freely and willingly, rather than only wanting to love her partner because they showed interest in her first.

It had posed quite a problem for her at first, the redheaded physicist struggling with her apparent bisexuality for a good few weeks. All the while Holtzmann had kept flirting with her, making her blush a bright scarlet on a daily basis. But by the time Erin had finally been okay with her attraction to the blonde engineer, it had become painfully clear to her that Holtz’s interest in her wasn’t actual interest (or, well, so she had thought). The blonde flirted with  _everyone_ , and so Erin willed her own feelings away, not wanting to set herself up for a broken heart. Instead of fighting for what she wanted, she tried to let it go, too scared she would be laughed at, or worse; scared Holtz wouldn’t take her seriously, causing Erin to become little more than another notch on her bedpost.

So she went back to what she did best; try desperately to conform to social norms.

When Daniel had shown interest in her, Erin did what she always had, He was sweet, a little dorky, and Erin could have seen herself fall for him in another world. Another life, maybe, where she  _hadn’t_  first met Holtzmann and had her heart stolen by her. He certainly was kinder to her than any of her other lovers had been, and Erin figured that this wouldn’t be the worst situation she could have ended up in.

Could she deny she was thinking of another Holtzmann very time she and Daniel were together? No. Would it kill her to be forced to watch Holtzmann every day, knowing Erin could never have her? Certainly, but it would have been that way no matter who she dated.

At least in this context, at least  _someone_  loved her. At least she knew she was wanted, and it turned out she needed that more than she thought.

But she had never seen Holtzmann quite so serious before. Not even during the confession at the bar shortly after the Rowan incident, though that situation was oddly close. And standing there, face to face with Holtz, Erin felt her anger seep away, the rage making way for a sickening feeling of guilt. She really had made a terrible mess of this, hurting not one but two people in the process. Part of her wanted nothing more than to walk away right now, to go home and go to sleep and never wake up. But that might actually make this whole situation worse.

“W- Why didn’t you ever say something?”

Erin was surprised by how her voice was trembling, even after staying silent for a good minute. “Did you think I wouldn’t be interested? Did I really give off that impression?”

She took a hesitant step forward, vaguely aware of the fingers on her left hand beginning to twitch again.  _Nervous habit_. 

“I meant what I said.” Erin continued. “Just now. I love you. I love you so much it hurts. A lot, actually. I want nothing more than to be with you, but I thought… I mean, I was  _sure_ …”

Holtzmann stood there silently as she listened to Erin’s careful words. Her breath was caught in her throat, and she was finding it hard to swallow. The engineer felt as if she hadn’t done enough when she had the chance. Hadn’t shown her enough attention, hadn’t told her her feelings in the correct fashion. But she was very anxious, never knowing what to say or how to say it… Always said the wrong thing to people. It was true that she flirted with everyone… And she suddenly wasn’t sure what kind of stories her brother had told the physicist.

It wasn’t like the siblings had a perfect relationship; they never had.

“But… I gave you my knife…”

Erin felt her breath hitch, her mind running over everything that had happened over the past months. The little gestures, the looks, the flirting… As isolated incidents, they meant nothing. It was how Erin had always seen them, as just little coincidences and Holtz being nice whenever she’d had a bad day. Because that’s just what friends did, right? They helped each other, made each other smile. She had always hoped that maybe it  _could_  have meant more, but she had always assumed she would just be reading too much into a friendly, innocent gesture.

She really had made a royal mess of this, hadn’t she?

“I didn’t think…”

Erin took a shaky breath before speaking again. 

“I settled. I settled because he was kind to me and he  _loved_  me and I was certain I wouldn’t be able to do any better. But it was you. Every minute, every hour, every day…  _You_  were the one I thought about, the one I  _wanted_  to be with.”

Erin’s words had made Holtzmann freeze up, the engineer becoming rigid as the words sank in. Erin loved her, yes, but she also knew that her brother loved the woman before her. Part of her wanted nothing more than to sweep her out from under him, but she wasn’t sure if she was that kind of person.

In a way, she didn’t care…

Blue eyes then fell on Erin’s hand, the nervous twitch showing itself and Holtzmann reached out very slowly to take her left hand, stopping the movements. She let out a shaky breath, contemplating everything that had transpired over the past few months, wishing she could have just… been a different person… shown Erin how much she meant in a way that normal people would. But she wasn’t normal, would never be. 

She  **hated** herself for that.

“I wish I could… be a kind of person you would approve of. Be normal. Be like him… but I’ve never…” She couldn’t finish her statement, so she just let it hang there in the air.

Her eyes flitted over Erin’s features, searching for the right words to say before the panic set in, hiding it as best she could given her instabilities. She tried her best to find the answers to Erin’s questions, hoping she could answer them adequately.

“I should have been different.”

She can’t be different, though. She can only be herself, and she  _hated_  that. Being herself was exactly what had cost her Erin’s love.

“I love you too… always have. I made you the best things. I gave you something I hold dear. You never saw me looking at you… I always watched you work… you’re always so beautiful when you work. No one ever came close to you. And I wish I could… be a kind of person you would approve of. Be normal. Be like him… but I’ve never…”

She couldn’t finish her statement, so she just let it hang there in the air, Erin feeling her heart break for the young engineer in front of her.

Holtzmann?  _Normal_?

Erin couldn’t even imagine Holtz any differently than the ball of zany, frantic energy that she was. The engineer was like an unstoppable force, barging into Erin’s life like a category three hurricane and making her question everything she knew about herself.

It was part of what had made Erin fall for her so easily; Jillian Holtzmann was unlike anyone she had ever met, and to hear her talk like this…

“Holtz…” She could feel her voice breaking, her hand gripping onto the blonde’s a little tighter. “Don’t say that. You are  _everything_  I approve of. I  _wanted_  you- I still want you. Just the way you are. More than anything in the world. I just never… I always thought…”

She could feel the tears brimming in her eyes, but willed herself to keep looking at Holtzmann anyway. 

“You’re brilliant, Jillian. You’ve got one of the brightest minds I’ve ever seen, you’re beautiful, you’re  _amazing_  in every single way. And I know I’m not the only one who noticed that. You could get anyone you wanted in a heartbeat, and I was  _so_  sure that could never be me…”

“And I want you more than anything in the world, but…” Holtzmann trailed off, staring up at the other woman. The blonde needed to be honest, needed to say what was on her mind, but words had always been a hurdle for the younger woman… especially when it wasn’t pertaining to science.

She swallowed hard one last time before she set off into what she was sure would become some rambling of nonsense.

“I love you. I’m in love with you. You’re pretty and smart and funny. I liked your hair even when the dye job didn’t come out right. I love your smile and laugh and the way you look at me… like I’m a person…”

She was most likely shaking, but she couldn’t allow herself to clam up now.

“And I’m mad at myself. I hate that I didn’t say something, that I let him visit, that I introduced you two. I hate it. I hate it and I’m jealous and I wanted to be the one to hold your hand and look at you like that and take you out to dinner and make you feel like a princess.” She took a breath, held it, and then exhaled.

“And I want to kiss you but I can’t. You’re not mine and I can’t…” Her eyes welled but she squeezed her eyes shut, trying to will them away.

“I’m pretty sure you were the only one who liked my hair then.” Erin laughed nervously, hoping she could make herself ignore how Holtzmann’s words were making her feel. It was everything she had ever hoped to hear from the blonde, everything she had ever dared to dream of but was certain she would never hear.

Not directed at her, at least. Not from the lips of the brilliant engineer whose second floor lab had all but become her own office too. It killed her to know that she couldn’t act on them, which was something Holtz seemed to know too.

Still holding the blonde’s hand in her own, Erin’s free hand reached up to cup Holtz’s face, her thumb wiping away a stray tear rolling down her cheek. It wasn’t fair. Nothing in this situation was fair, and they only had themselves to blame for it. 

Still…

Erin’s body seemed to move on its own accord, the redhead leaning forward to brush her lips against the blonde’s. The kiss was emotional, probably bordering on desperate from Erin’s side, but the physicist couldn’t seem to help herself. It felt so  _right_  to be kissing Jillian, which only served to make Erin feel worse.

This was what kissing someone should always feel like; what kissing Daniel probably  _should_  have felt like. If it had, she wouldn’t currently be in this situation, being the cause of three people with broken hearts.

It was that thought that eventually caused her to pull away, the guilt ever-present in her mind.

“I’m sorry…” She breathed out, feeling sick to her stomach. “I really made a mess of things, didn’t I? It’s just… I  _want_  to be yours, Jillian. Not his, not anyone else’s:  _Yours_.”

Holtzmann was breathless and trembling just slightly when the kiss broke, panic and guilt settling in her chest as she looked back down at the ground and shook her head from side to side.

“I-I can’t do this. I can’t be some side project, no matter how much you love me. I can’t live with the guilt. I’m not good with guilt. He’s my brother. I can’t… I can’t… let you cheat on him…”

She wanted Erin more than anything else in this world, she would give up any and all of her inventions and gadgets for the woman… but in spite of the fact that she and her brother didn’t always see eye-to-eye… she still couldn’t take Erin from her brother.

“I want nothing more than to believe you and believe that you are mine and no one else’s but until… until you-…”  _break up with my brother_  is how she wanted to finish her statement, but the panic had mounted and she took a step back, wrapping her arms around herself, her confident demeanor gone. “I love you, but…”

_Deep breath, Jillian._

“You’re either with him or me. I can’t have a grey area with this… with you. My whole life has been a grey area…”

“At least we can both agree on that.” Despite her nausea, Erin managed to smile weakly at the other woman. A whole new wave of guilt washed over her when she noticed Holtz close to panicking (and really, she somehow kept managing to make this situation worse and fuck up even more).

“I’m so sorry.” Grabbing Holtz’s other hand as well, the physicist rubbed small, comforting circles on the back of them with her thumb, hoping to calm the engineer down. “Just breathe, Holtz… You’re not a grey area. Not to me. Never to me. I’m so sorry… I made such a mess…”

She rested her forehead against the blonde’s as she spoke, their hands twined together. 

It felt intimate, somehow.

Erin had known Holtzmann long enough for this not to be the first time she’d had to try and talk her out of a panic attack, but this felt different. More pure, more raw and real. Could that be considered cheating? (though really, if she was looking for grey-areas when it came to what did or did not constitute cheating, she  _knew_  she needed to stop)

So she let go of Holtz and took a step back, creating some distance between them. Because she wasn’t that kind of person. Her entire life she had prided herself on not being that kind of person. She didn’t  _want_  to be that kind of person, either. Not even for Jillian Holtzmann.

“I’ll talk to him tonight.” She spoke, her voice trembling ever so slightly. Because if she was going to do this ( _when_  she was going to do this), she needed to actually speak to Daniel in person. He deserved that much. She had made too big a mess of all of this to just break up via text or a phone call. “I promise.”

She was already dreading that conversation, but she also knew she couldn’t postpone this. That wouldn’t be fair to anyone.

Holtzmann nodded slowly, keeping steady breaths as she dared to look back up into Erin’s eyes. She could see that the taller woman was telling the truth, that she would indeed have a conversation with him tonight, but it didn’t calm her nerves.

“Okay Erin… I trust you.” She wished she could reach back out, feeling oddly cold and alone without the physicist so close. It left an ache in her chest.

She geared herself up one last time to bridge the gap between them, pulling her into a frantic hug before removing herself equally as fast. “I’ll… I’ll be in the lab. All night. Probably. If you need me.”

The physicist nodded slowly, not entirely believing Holtzmann when she said that, but deciding it was best not to argue with her today. They both had enough on their plates as it was.

She wouldn’t deny she immediately missed the other woman’s touch, her closeness, even just her general presence. But that was  _exactly_  why it was probably best the two spent the rest of the day taking some space. At least until Erin got a chance to talk to Daniel.

* * *

The rest of the day was a blur for Erin, with everything just sort of blending together, equations and ghosts running over into dinner and a nervous phone call about ‘needing to talk’. The conversation itself was both incredibly difficult and surprisingly easy. As much as both parties had to admit that this was an incredibly painful situation, it turned out that Daniel had had his suspicions for a while now.

In his words, the redhead had been a little absent and distracted from the beginning, but he had hoped that that was just a fluke. That Erin would get over it, that she would fall in love with him anyway. When that didn’t seem likely, he tried to mostly ignore it, saying that Erin needed to figure this out for herself.

The two had talked, there were hugs, and to Erin’s surprise, even Daniel had apologized for not letting her go sooner. It was a painful discussion for both parties, but in the end they both seemed to be better for it. And when Erin made her way back to the lab later that evening, she couldn’t deny still feeling a little guilty for running to Jillian so quickly.

Was it too soon? Should she give it some more time before falling into another relationship, no matter how badly she wanted it?

But when she stood there in the doorway of the firehouse, about to make her way upstairs, she realized that no matter what happened next, she at least had to make sure she and Holtz were okay. Even just as friends.

As Erin was contemplating this, Holtzmann was still at the firehouse, finding herself unable to focus on any of her projects. A myriad of scenarios were running through her head, feeling as if this night was just dragging on.

Did Erin go back to him? Did they fight? Did both she and Daniel hate her now?

Holtzmann tossed down her tool with a little more force than she normally would have used, letting out a sigh as she reached into one of the drawing on her tool bench, fishing out her emergency stash of cigarettes that she saved for just such moments. She knew that the nicotine did the  _exact_  opposite of calming down her body, but she felt calm.

Her glasses where perched up on top of her head as she tossed on her leather jacket and trudged up the stairs to the room. Abby would bitch at her if she caught her with these again, but in the end, no one could change Holtzmann… and this situation was definitely unique, even for the engineer.

She kept looking down at her phone, half expecting to get some apologetic text from the physicist… or some snide comment from her brother.

Granted, if Daniel texted her like that she would go over there and drag his skinny ass out of his apartment… Instead she just fidgeted with her lighter as she took a drag, leaning against the wall as she stared out at the New York City skyline, completely unaware of the fact that Erin had actually kept her promise, and was now standing in the middle of an empty lab.

The physicist felt like the textbook definition of hopeless, her heart sinking as she realized that, unlike the engineer had promised, Holtzmann wasn’t actually in the lab. In hindsight, she probably should have suspected this would happen. Of course Holtzmann wouldn’t want anything to do with her. She had messed up too much, hurt too many people without meaning to, and this was what she got for it.

Loneliness and a broken heart.

She stood there for a few minutes, staring at the empty lab, too numb to move, before shaking her head and heading up to the roof. It had become her prime spot to think after they had saved New York and the town had lit up in recognition for them. It was the perfect place to clear her head, to look out over the city and focus on something pleasant for a change, like the one time she actually got some proper recognition for her work.

It was a happy place to her, a  _safe_  place, and exactly what she needed right now.

Feeling the tears already brimming in her eyes, she opened the door to the roof with a sigh-turned-sob, barely even realizing someone else was already there as she walked towards the ledge, resting her shoulders on the wall and just staring out at the city. And even if Holtzmann hadn’t heard the door open and close, there was no way she wouldn’t have been able to recognize Erin as the physicist walked past her, the redhead obviously too distraught to notice her.

Not that Holtzmann herself wasn’t nervous. She was nervous, super nervous. More so than she had ever been with radioactive material or reactors. She wasn’t sure if this was a good visit, or a bad one… As a result, she remained reserved, knowing that this was probably the hardest thing either of them had done in a long time.

The engineer crossed over a little closer, putting out the cigarette and flicking it over the side of the building before pushing her hands in her pockets and fixing her with a sad but kind smile. 

“Hey, hot stuff.”

Erin turned around almost immediately, her mouth falling open as she let out a breath she hadn’t even realized she’d been holding.

Holtzmann was here. She was actually, somehow, for some reason, still here.

She wasn’t entirely sure what that meant, whether it was good or bad, but at least it meant she got to talk to her. Which, even if it was bad, at least meant she had absolute certainty about their situation.

“I…uhh… needed some air.” Holtzmann continued when Erin remained quiet. “I’m sorry if I scared you. I didn’t ditch ya, never would, never will.” She shuffled and toed the concrete with her boot, sheepish. “So, ummm, did you talk to-…”

Erin quickly nodded in response, still a little stunned at the realization that Holtzmann hadn’t actually ditched her like she’d initially thought.

“Y- yeah… I did. It was a good talk. A long talk. But it’s done now. We’re over. Him and me, I mean.”

Her voice was trembling a little as she spoke. Somehow, saying it out loud made her wonder if this hadn’t just been one big mistake. If Holtz was going to laugh at her, or yell at her, or just…  _do nothing_. If she hadn’t just made so big a mess of this that it couldn’t actually be fixed anymore.

She wondered if maybe it was just too little, too late at this point.

The engineer nodded, listening to Erin’s words carefully. She’d had time to think while she had been left alone. Part of her felt a little guilty, but the other part was supportive of Erin’s decision no matter what.

The blonde took a step forward and carefully took the taller woman’s hand in her own, a gesture which made Erin relax almost instantly. There was something incredibly comforting about the engineer’s presence, something that anchored her, made her feel safe. Whether that was just because Erin had feelings for the other woman, or because that was the way Holtzmann was with everyone, she had no idea, but she didn’t feel like questioning it right now. All that mattered now was them, and the way Erin was probably, maybe, hopefully going to fix this  _thing_  between them.

“I understand if you want some time with this… but know that I’m not going anywhere. I’m not the kinda girl to just let this opportunity slip through my fingers.” Holtzmann let out a breath before looking back up at the physicist, wanting nothing more than to just pull her into a kiss, mark the beginning of their relationship. But she knew it wasn’t her place.

Instead she pulled Erin into a hug, knowing she probably needed it.

Erin melted into the blonde’s embrace, her arms wrapping around Holtzmann, holding her close as she tried to keep herself together. It was unfair, really, how kind the engineer was being to her. How she was willing to give her the space and the time she needed, how much she  _cared_  about Erin. It only made the physicist feel worse about herself.

She didn’t deserve Holtzmann, and Holtzmann herself deserved better than her. 

Burying her face in Holtz’s shoulder, the redhead let out a shaky breath, holding the blonde for a little while longer before looking back up at her, nodding quietly. 

“I feel terrible for asking… You know I do. Because this…  _us_ … I want it. More than anything else in the world. But it feels…  _wrong,_  somehow. Like maybe we’re moving too fast. So… I don’t know… Give me a few days, maybe? I just… I need to know we’re okay first.”

For a brief moment, she let herself relax as she held Erin close, focusing on anything other than what she had dealt with the past 24 hours. So instead, she focused on the scent of the physicist’s shampoo… and that was enough to wipe her mind for a few moments.

Holtzmann could feel the shaky intake of breath and she just knew, felt, that something was coming. She listened to Erin’s words carefully, nodding smoothly and letting her hands travel up and down the physicist’s upper arms. “I want it too, more than anything, but I understand.” She chuckled a little under her breath.

“I know I joke a lot and cut up… but I’m serious more often than you know. I can promise you that I’m not going anywhere. Take your time. I don’t want to rush you… I never want to rush you…” Her gaze dropped as she stepped back, keeping Erin’s hands in her own.

The redhead managed a weak smile at that, still amazed by how easily Holtz seemed to take this. How simple it seemed to be to the blonde, how readily she accepted all this. Intertwining their fingers, Erin’s green eyes met the engineer’s blue ones, adoration and compassion and disbelief present in equal measures. 

“You’re amazing… You know that, right?” Amazing didn’t seem to cut it somehow. But then again, neither did brilliant, wonderful, fantastic… Erin didn’t think there was a word in the English language that could describe how she felt about Jillian Holtzmann in this moment. So amazing would have to do.

“I’m really sorry for all this… For hurting you… I didn’t mean for any of this to happen. And I don’t  _want_  to wait, but I feel like I owe it to him, somehow. But I love you. Please don’t ever think I don’t love you.”

“You haven’t hurt me… if anything, you have made me very happy. And I’m patient. Surprisingly so, even.” She smiled at Erin kindly, her eyes falling to their intertwined fingers. It was funny to the engineer how they seemed to lock together perfectly. 

She knew she would have to wait and for once that didn’t really bother her. Erin was worth the wait. She always had been and she always would be. 

“I only have one question… Do you just love me, or are you  _in love_  with me?”

“I am” Erin nodded. “In love with you, I mean. Or at least I’m pretty sure I am, because I can’t stop thinking about you. Which sounds sappy and cliché, but it’s true. You’re the first person I think of when I wake up and the last person I think of before I go to sleep. I always want to make you smile when you’re around me, and I wonder if someone else is making you smile when I’m not. I want to make sure you’re working safely around the lab; not because I’m scared you’ll hurt anyone else, but because I’m scared you’ll hurt  _yourself_ , and I don’t want to think about that. I wondered daily if you were seeing someone, if someone was making you happy, and then I would hate myself because  _I_  wanted to be that person to make you happy, but I thought I couldn’t be so I had no right to be jealous who did because I really just want to see you happy all the time, no matter the reason. And that hurt like hell sometimes, and I’ve never really felt this way about anyone before so yes… I think I’m in love with you.”

Holtzmann felt her heart swell in her chest at Erin’s words. Well, not really swell… otherwise the engineer would probably need to call an ambulance within the next two minutes, but it was the only way she could describe this feeling. 

Holtzmann blushed, shying her head, unable to contain the soft smile spreading across her features as she swallowed and then looked back up at the physicist. 

“If it makes you feel any better. I wanted all the same for and from you. But…” She paused, chuckling a little to herself. “Thank you, that’s what I needed before diving into this. I hope you know… If we do this, we  _do_  this. I don’t I can imagine just having a one-nighter or a fling with you. You have me for a long-haul commitment… if you want me.”

The physicist nodded in response. “I know.” She whispered, almost subconsciously taking a step closer to the engineer. “I wouldn’t have said all that - wouldn’t have  _meant_  all that - if I didn’t want to be in this for the long run. And I didn’t think you would, either.”

Resting her forehead against Holtzmann’s, Erin smiled at her. “My wanting you has  _never_  been the problem. If it were up to me… If I hadn’t made such a mess…”

Erin sighed, forcing herself not to dwell on that now.

“A few days.” She spoke instead. “Less than a week. I’m yours as long as you’ll have me.”

Holtzmann smiled, closing her eyes at the contact. This is exactly what she wanted, what she needed, with Erin. Just Erin. The panic that had been mounting moments earlier was dissipating, replaced with just a warm fuzzy feeling… one that finally had nothing to do with radiation.

Bringing up their joined hands, she looked up at Erin with bright blue eyes as she pressed a kiss to the back of the physicist’s hand, smiling. 

“Sounds reasonable. So… business as usual until then?” She straightened up, a faint smile still clinging to her lips.

The redhead nodded, feeling her cheeks colour at the chivalrous gesture. “Business as usual.”

 

Of course, the next few days didn’t  _exactly_  pass as ‘business as usual’. They still worked in the lab, there were still ghosts to stalk and capture, and Erin was still putting out fires for an overly-enthusiastic engineer with a penchant for creating larger-than-medium poofs, but there was one very important difference:  Erin couldn’t seem to stop smiling at Holtzmann.

There was always a sort of a dreamy look in her eyes whenever her eyes fell on the blonde, and she had been caught visibly staring at the other woman multiple times, Holtzmann shooting her a wink and a smile before the engineer continued her work. Still staring, Erin noticed there always seemed to be a slight spring in her step when the blonde continued, which only made her smile more.

The time thing may have been her own rule, but that didn’t mean she liked sticking to it. It probably had never even been such a bright idea to begin with.

After saying goodbye to Patty three nights after her rooftop conversation with Holtzmann, Erin took a deep breath, deciding that maybe she should take a chance on things. Walking towards the engineer, trying not to fidget too much, she spoke. “Hey, emmm, Holtz… Would you like to get dinner? With me?”

Holtzmann had been wiping grease from her hands with a worn down rag when Erin approached her work space. Her eyes widened and her ears perked up as the physicist posed her question. With a smile, she pushed her yellow lenses up to perch on top of her head, a smile spreading across her lips. “Ya know… I’d love that, babydoll.”

Erin visibly relaxed at that answer, letting out a breath she hadn’t realized she’d been holding. For some reason, she had thought Holtzmann would no longer be interested, or would say no, or…

A thought suddenly struck her.

What if Holtz thought this was just a friend thing?

No, that was silly. If she did, she wouldn’t have responded by calling her babydoll (even if Holtz tended to call her stupid pet names a  _lot_  anyway), and she wouldn’t be smiling like she did (but Holtz had always been a cheerful person). 

Oh god, she had to ask for clarification.

“I mean as a date. Not just two friends getting dinner, though we do need to have dinner tonight and if it’s just a friend thing that’s okay too obviously but I was kind of hoping for it to, you know, be a date.”

Holtzmann smiled at how Erin was speaking, knowing by her mannerisms that the physicist was probably worried she thought the outing would be on a just friends basis.  _So, so wrong._

“Okay, let me help you with this.”

She paused for a moment before stepping forward and gently cupping Erin’s cheek with a mostly-clean hand, barely brushing her lips to the taller woman’s.

“Baby, you had me the moment you walked through Higgins… no need to fret.”

The physicist felt her worries wash away as Holtzmann brushed her lips against hers. She allowed herself to revel in that sensation a bit, the feeling of Holtz’s lips against her own, before grinning brightly in realization of what just happened.

She was going on a date with Jillian Holtzmann. Now. Tonight. The mere thought made her feel absolutely giddy, and it was all she could do not to do a happy dance (although, knowing Holtzmann, she doubted the engineer would have minded).

“Alright.” She breathed out, still grinning like an idiot. “It’s a date.”

 A  _date._ She and Holtz were actually going on a  _date_. Erin was pretty sure that was all she was going to be able to think about for the time being.

Holtzmann’s grin was as bright as Erin’s, the engineer showing a very close resemblance to the Cheshire cat, thoroughly pleased and excited that she was taking this step with Erin. She had mentally punished herself for so long when the physicist was with her brother, hating herself for having not fought for her… but perhaps the wait was for the best, and worth it.

Holtzmann chuckled and then tilted her head up once more to press a small kiss to the corner of Erin’s mouth before taking a step back. “Alright, how about you head home and get ready and I’ll meet you there… unless you wanted to pick me up at my place instead.” 

She definitely wasn’t opposed to the idea of letting Erin take her out since she asked her.

“We could just go now?” Erin suggested, taking a step forward to take the engineer’s hand in her own. Holtz kissing her had somehow managed to make her feel a little bolder, a little more daring and determined.

“Just us, just dinner. Maybe a movie. No expectations, no dressing up, just…  _us_.” She smiled at Holtzmann. “I’m not opposed to a more ‘traditional’ date in the future, but I kind of like the idea of this to just be simple, for now. God knows we-  _I_ , have already made this entire situation way more complicated than it needed to be.”

Holtzmann’s expression softened. It was the first time someone had asked her to just go out as-is. No preparations, no expectations, no need to look stunning. She didn’t have to woo Erin; she already had without really knowing.

“I’d like that. Just us… being  _us_. I can dig that.” She gave the physicist’s hand a squeeze, a genuine smile spreading across her features. “And you know this isn’t your fault. Life, in general, is complicated. Honestly, I feel I have done just as much as you.”

The physicist let out a small sigh of relief at that, glad the blonde engineer liked the idea of that. Still smiling at Holtzmann, Erin intertwined their fingers. 

“Good.” She said, looking at the engineer with an expression of nothing but love and adoration. “And let’s just… Try and forget about all that for now. Just be  _us_ , for now. Okay?”

Erin, still feeling daring, took another step forward, placing a soft, lingering kiss to the corner of Holtz’s mouth. When she pulled away, Erin let go of their hands, still smiling at the engineer. 

“I’ll grab my coat. You finish up here; I don’t want to come back to an exploded lab tomorrow.” The tone of her voice implied she was only mostly joking about that.

Holtzmann was smiling shyly, nodding her head in agreement with Erin’s words as they parted. The engineer could still feel that kiss against her skin and she wanted to savour ever last second of it.

Grinning at the engineer’s stunned response, Erin began walking towards the door, only to stop when she had almost gotten there, turning back to look at Holtzmann again. 

“Oh, and Holtz?” 

The blonde perked up, looking back over to Erin. 

“Yeah?”

It was all she could say, not knowing what the other woman was going to say, but of course she was nervous after everything. Who wouldn’t be?

Erin smiled warmly at her, still lingering in the doorway. “Thank you. You know… For waiting. And everything. It really means a lot.”

And with that, Erin continued her way downstairs, grabbing her coat from next to the door as she waited for Holtzmann to join her downstairs.

 

 


End file.
